When my dad’s best friend Steve died, at his celebration of life party (rather than a funeral) his hat collection was on display. After the speeches his wife said that anyone there could take a hat to remember him by and I saw a the scarf and beanie of his football team (we used to have a friendly rivalry between our teams when I was a kid) and I took both home. 

When I showed Dad what I’d gotten he said that it was him that had given the scarf and beanie to Steve years ago and he smiled sadly at me - I’d never seen my Dad show much emotion so that meant a lot to me. 

For all of my teen years I slept with that scarf wrapped around me as I slept. A year after he died I realised that it didn’t smell of him anymore and I sobbed myself to sleep all over again, just like those first few months. 

I refuse to smell it anymore. I don’t need to feel the loss of him to know that he’ll never be there for me again. It’s been 6 years - when does the grieving stop?